Relationship work can be a difficult thing for people to get their heads around. What does it actually mean? And how does one do it?
When people think of relationship work, the most common image that arises is couples therapy: Two people sit down and talk about their problems with a third person who mediates the situation and tosses out yellow flags when one partner’s actions are inappropriate. While this type of therapy can be helpful for some, it’s not, in my opinion, the best way to do relationship work.
Ok, so if I’m not here to listen to you or you and your partner talk about your problems, and I’m not here to play referee, then what the hell am I doing as a relationship coach? Excellent question! And the answer is easier than it might first appear: Relationship work is a special type of self work!
No, really, it’s true! I swear!
A relationship is only as good as the people in it. If you bring to a relationships a history of unhealed abuse, trauma you haven’t dealt with, poor communication skills, a lack of self awareness, emotional immaturity, and an inability to be honest with yourself, you’re going to create a relationship that is powerful in those qualities. Your partner is completely irrelevant in these circumstances! You could have a partner is who 100% perfect at everything they contribute to the relationship (which, of course, isn’t even possible), and you’d still have a dysfunctional relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship you need healthy people! Or at the very least, people committed to improving their own health.
So when I’m working with people as an individual or those in a relationship, we’re working in the following ways:
Learning how you do relationships: What’s important to you? Why is it important? What patterns are you running? Are they working for or against you?
Uncovering your beliefs, stores, and thoughts about relationships: Many of these are unconscious and unknown, so they require a good amount of exploration, but they are the major contributors to why you have the relationships you have.
Teaching you to see how the unconscious ideas are creating your patterns: The work we do together is mostly exploratory with lots of ‘ah-ha’ moments, but the work you’ll do between sessions is often where success truly happens. Once you see the connections, they’re easier to break in the moment.
Empowering you to create new patterns that are whole, healthy, and will help you achieve your relationship goals: This is key. If we discover what is not working but don’t help you develop new tools, you’re likely to fall back in to the old patterns again. So we work together to create new ideas, thoughts, stories, and beliefs.
Only after we do the above do we start unraveling the relationship issues you’ve created, either alone or together. See, your relationship is not the problem. Even if you’ve had a series of relationships that all have the same problems, the relationship is not the problem. The relationship is a result. It’s an effect, not a cause. The cause is your beliefs, habits, stories, trauma, worthiness, purpose, etc. So that’s where we begin when we do relationship work, and like magic, the relationship changes.
If you’re ready to make your relationship amazing, click the button below to find out how we can work together.