What is Relationship Work?


Relationship work can be a difficult thing for people to get their heads around. What does it actually mean? And how does one do it?

When people think of relationship work, the most common image that arises is couples therapy: Two people sit down and talk about their problems with a third person who mediates the situation and tosses out yellow flags when one partner’s actions are inappropriate. While this type of therapy can be helpful for some, it’s not, in my opinion, the best way to do relationship work.

Ok, so if I’m not here to listen to you or you and your partner talk about your problems, and I’m not here to play referee, then what the hell am I doing as a relationship coach? Excellent question! And the answer is easier than it might first appear: Relationship work is a special type of self work!

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No, really, it’s true! I swear!

A relationship is only as good as the people in it. If you bring to a relationships a history of unhealed abuse, trauma you haven’t dealt with, poor communication skills, a lack of self awareness, emotional immaturity, and an inability to be honest with yourself, you’re going to create a relationship that is powerful in those qualities. Your partner is completely irrelevant in these circumstances! You could have a partner is who 100% perfect at everything they contribute to the relationship (which, of course, isn’t even possible), and you’d still have a dysfunctional relationship. In order to have a healthy relationship you need healthy people! Or at the very least, people committed to improving their own health.

So when I’m working with people as an individual or those in a relationship, we’re working in the following ways:

  • Learning how you do relationships: What’s important to you? Why is it important? What patterns are you running? Are they working for or against you?

  • Uncovering your beliefs, stores, and thoughts about relationships: Many of these are unconscious and unknown, so they require a good amount of exploration, but they are the major contributors to why you have the relationships you have.

  • Teaching you to see how the unconscious ideas are creating your patterns: The work we do together is mostly exploratory with lots of ‘ah-ha’ moments, but the work you’ll do between sessions is often where success truly happens. Once you see the connections, they’re easier to break in the moment.

  • Empowering you to create new patterns that are whole, healthy, and will help you achieve your relationship goals: This is key. If we discover what is not working but don’t help you develop new tools, you’re likely to fall back in to the old patterns again. So we work together to create new ideas, thoughts, stories, and beliefs.

Only after we do the above do we start unraveling the relationship issues you’ve created, either alone or together. See, your relationship is not the problem. Even if you’ve had a series of relationships that all have the same problems, the relationship is not the problem. The relationship is a result. It’s an effect, not a cause. The cause is your beliefs, habits, stories, trauma, worthiness, purpose, etc. So that’s where we begin when we do relationship work, and like magic, the relationship changes.

If you’re ready to make your relationship amazing, click the button below to find out how we can work together.

It’s A Brand New Day! Year! Outlook!

So I’ve been quiet. If you have been following my blog or received my emails, you’ve probably noticed that there’s been nothing from me in a very long time. And so you might be wondering…

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Well, I would love to say that I have been busy plugging away, working hard, and creating my new niche, but that’s just not true. Most of this year was a time of rest, self-reflection, inner work, and finding my own voice. I’ve been asking the same questions that many of us ask:

  • Who am I?

  • What impact do I want to make in the world?

  • How can I find my voice?

  • How can I show up more authentically?

To say that it has been difficult would be an understatement. Shame and the negative self-talk were brutal. Like you, I am also my own worst critic and, like most of humanity, I can be brutal to myself at time. I spent months in a depressive shame spiral. How can I NOT know who I am? I’m freakin’ 41 years old! Shouldn’t I know this already? Other people my age seem to know! You mean I’m STILL struggling with authenticity? Are you kidding me? How can I, a life coach, not know what my voice is?

And then there was this…this deadly phrase that I kept repeating in my head and to my wife and coaches when we talked about my struggles: “Who am I to…”. Who am I to teach people about how to live? Who am I to help people with their relationships? Who am I to stand up and be a leader? Especially when I seem to be nothing like the people I admire! They’re all Zen and shit, drinking their green tea while journaling, followed by QiGong, eating clean diets, working real magic, etc. and I’m over here like “How many times can I say ‘fuck’ each day and still be a Spiritual Man?”

Well, true believers, after months of working all of these problems with myself and those I trust, here’s what I discovered:

There’s no ‘arriving’. You will never arrive. If your a human being on the path of growth and self discovery, know that it is an endless path. You will never hit a place in your life and say, “Ah! Yes! I am finally complete and there is not more work for me to do!” There will always be more work to do, layers to peel back, and deeper places to go. And that’s a good thing!

Being vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness. My work and writing from here on out will be infinitely more transparent about who I am, what I’m struggling with, and what I’m kicking ass on. It’s important to me that people see the easy and the hard times.

My life experience does not require a ‘Works Cited’ page. My background includes a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and a doctorate degree in medicine; if you don’t back up what you say with sources, you’re not taken seriously. And it has taken me A LONG TIME to break out of that mentality. I don’t have to write, revise, review, rewrite, revise again, etc. seven times over in order to put forth an idea.

I am a bad-ass coach. No, seriously, I am. And that’s not an ego statement. I’m good at what I do. I have integrity in my practice. I seek to improve myself so that I can help others achieve what they want out of their lives.

My role is to live my truth so that others may see it’s ok to live theirs. It’s not my job to tell you your path, ‘The’ truth, or Your truth. I’m a guide and a facilitator of discovery. Working together, we can explore and co-create your path and help you stay on it.

My intuitive gifts are just that: Gifts. I’m no longer going to shy away from mentioning them, using them, or relying on them as part of my work. You shouldn’t either!

And finally…

Using everyday speech, curse words, or breaking grammatical rules does not affect who I am as a person at all. And that means I can say ‘fuck’ as much as I want to! Fuck, fuck, fuck. See? Still the same man!

So if you’re now here, welcome! If you’ve been here before, welcome back! I’m a life coach specializing in romantic and interpersonal relationships. If you’re struggling in relationships or you just wanna take yours from great to amazing, I would love the opportunity to discuss how I can help you achieve your goals.

Happy new year to you and your loved ones!

2019 is going to be one fantastic year!